I’m in a very good place right now and extremely fulfilled with my second marriage. You read that right – SECOND MARRIAGE. I was once divorced and it took me a year to recuperate. Yes, 12 months and 5 days was all it took for me to finally realize that I was over my ex – the father of my beautiful children, my high school love turned “heart terrorist” for the next 10 years of my life. But it’s ok. If not for him, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now and I wouldn’t have had my darling angels.
I walked the grocery aisle and saw him after 12 months and 5 days and on that very same day, I felt lucky that I got out of his grasps. Of course, the “other woman” (I am really thinking of appropriate names to call her and one of those starts with H and ends with an E) was with him. I waved at them and they were shocked. In my mind, they deserve to torture each other for the next few years. I’m just being civil.
Rumors has it that he is “acting up” again – gambling, drugs and lowly women. I’ve been there and experienced all that. Some people just don’t change for the better, I guess. Good thing I have custody of the kids, he’s paying support and I am happier person. Three years after, I remarried and my life is just complete.
People were asking me how I was able to cope and deal with the heartache so fast. Others mourn their divorce for years, but me, no. Like I said, 12 months and 5 days. But it was never easy. In fact, it was tumultuous. I never divulged that information, though. They have to know that I am a tough “hag” to crack. Displaying to them of my weakness and sorrow just won’t cut it.
And so, I did some things to relieve me of my “divorce pains”.
- I sold all his things on eBay and it made me feel like a fighter.
My ex left some of his things at home. It seems that he wasn’t interested in it anymore and so, instead of burning it, I sold his Xbox, some golf clubs and leather shoes on eBay. I was able to get $320 all in all for his things and I used that money on a salon haircut service. At least, I earned some, gained a new ‘do and got rid of his things. I didn’t know I had that “fighter” attitude in me.
Examine the thoughts that trigger sadness more closely, even write them down, and then consciously construct a more rational alternative thought. You don’t have to think like a positive Pollyanna, but if your thoughts are unrealistic, then a more realistic thought will help you feel better. — Marni Feuerman LCSW, LMFT, PsyD
- I learned how to sew clothes and get my self-confidence back, as well.
When I was younger, we had a sewing machine at home and our mom taught us the basics. I wasn’t really great at it, but I know how to sew blankets and pillow cases. When I got married, I hid the machine in one of our storage rooms because he had to use the spare room for his “recreational area”. And so, a month after we divorced, I enrolled myself in a basic sewing class. It was 3 months of learning how to cut and sew clothes. I loved it so much! It took my mind off from him and I learned how to make a bodycon – and used it too. I felt like Kim Kardashian, well, 4 sizes bigger that is and it felt good!
- I submitted to yoga and it helped me find inner peace.
My doctor advised that I take on yoga at least three times a week. I was 200 pounds, obese and hypertensive. High intensity exercises, at that time, weren’t good for me and that’s why I was stuck with yoga – low intensity, but maximum strength workout. He also knew about my marital problems since he is my ex’s cousin. My doctor encouraged me to move on so that I can show my ex that I am better off without him. (His side of the family sort of loves me.) Good thing I went to the neighborhood gym for my yoga class because I found my inner peace and my soul mate. I met my second and hopefully, my last hubby in the gym. He is into yoga too.
In order to make sense of our current actions and reactions, we must be willing to recognize and explore our emotions. Emotions can be healthy or unhealthy, adaptive or maladaptive, primary or secondary. — Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.
- I dated my kids at least once a week and our bond now is much stronger than ever before.
I will tell the truth and say everything that happened to me back then. When their dad left me, I was a mess. I didn’t take a bath for days and in the first month, I gained 15 pounds. It was such a low point for me and my therapist said I was almost on the verge of adapting a binge eating disorder. It was a self-destructive phase, I know.
But one day, my 8-year old came to my room and said – “Mom, can you please come to our Family Day? Most of my classmates have single parents and I’m so proud of you mom. I love you so much.” I’ve never cried so hard in my life. I was so selfish. My kids “lost” their dad too and they shouldn’t lose me.
With that, I got up from my bed, opened the windows, changed my sheets, took a lavender soak bath, combed my hair, put on red lipstick and volume lash mascara, and drove my daughters to their Family Day Program. Since then, I would make it a point to “date” them once a week just catch up. It was also the day I decided to change my life for the better. In truth, my daughters saved my life.
Supportive relationships are invigorating. Even when someone challenges you, the challenge will leave you feeling motivated to do better. — Alena Gerst, LCSW, RYT
- I saw a therapist for my issues and now, I am depression-free.
My ex’s cousin, the doctor, called a therapist who specialized in talk therapy. He literally pushed me to meet that specialist and I will forever be grateful to him for that. I met the therapist once a week for almost a year. She helped me cope with my depression and divorce issues.
Doing these things helped me move on. I will not say that it’s easy. It was never easy for me, but I had to “woman up” and soldier on. I had to decide – live my life or die. I CHOSE TO LIVE. And now, I have a lovely man holding my hand and my beautiful girls are beside me. What else can I ask for? I will never trade my past even if it was dead ugly. It drove me to tread my amazing life right now and I couldn’t be happier.
This is a true-to-life story of Maureen Summers (pen name).